But when a girl of this mind-blowing calibre invites you to a party,
it's time to get going and start flowing.
Maybe it's the Iate hour.
Maybe it's the heavily spiked eggnog.
Maybe it was simply a mutual desperate desire
to have ourselves a merry little Christmas.
Whatever the reason, hooking up has never gone more swimmingly,
and I find myself saying something highly out of character:
I'm renovating my apartment on the Upper West Side.
But, say, you could...
...crash at my sublet, if you want.
See you through the holidays.
That sounds inviting.
And so it came to pass, that after all those years,
Iittle Alfred finally got what he wanted for Christmas.
The 1 2 days of Christmas were flying by
at a surrealistic pace.
Yeah, it's been quite the ride.
The package was irresistible.
A showstopper with a new-school brand of sexiness.
Who wouldn't get off on the way she makes heads turn?
Plus, we have so much in common.
- She's sweet, fun, original, exciting, - Adore you.
full of surprises.
Oh, and did I mention, she makes a cracking good bed.
I began to wonder,
could this be the one...
... who finally holds my attention?
Happy New Year!
In every doomed relationship,
there comes what I like to call
"the uh-oh moment. "
When a certain Iittle something happens,
and you know you've just witnessed the beginning of the end.
And suddenly you stop and you think:
"Uh-oh, iceberg ahead."
With Nikki, that was the first of many...
... uh-oh moments.
It began with petty arguments.
Followed by random bouts of melancholia.
Major highs and manic lows.
This girl never knows when she's had one too many.
And there had been constant displays of erratic, reckless behaviour.
And thank you, no. No, I did not have insurance.
But whenever I begin to feel there's little reason to go on,
I'm reminded that we still have one very major thing in common.
If only she didn't insist on smoking before,
after
and during.
What time are you gonna be home, honey?
Hear that?
"What time are you gonna be home, honey?"
That's dangerously close to wife-speak to me.
Because I'm making something really special for din-din.
Din-din?
I'II call Iater.
Listen, are you sure you don't think that colour's a Iittle bit intense?
- I think you're a Iittle bit intense. - Careful,
because you've got paint all over your hands.
PIus, you're wearing my favourite shirt to paint the house in, Nik. Don't--
Sorry, baby.
I gotta run.
No, I've gotta run.
I bet that I can make it worth your while to stay.
I'm sure you can. But you know what? I've got that meeting.
- Haven't I? - Yeah.
You know you're in trouble when a sight Iike that can't keep you planted.
When I was a boy at St. AIban's Secondary School,
the school took us on this cultural trip
to observe art at one of the--
One of those big famous London museums.
Anyway, when I was there,
I came across this statue of a Greek goddess in marble.
Aphrodi-- Aphrodite, something Iike that.
Beautiful, she was.
Perfect female form.
Chiselled features.
Exquisite.
I stood in awe of her.
Finally, the teacher calls us all over, and I'm walking past it,
and on the way I notice, in the side of this Greek goddess,
all these cracks, chips, imperfections.
Ruined her for me.
Well, that's Nikki.
A beautiful sculpture...
...damaged...
...in a way you don't notice till you get too close.
I Iost the signal for a second there.
But I don't know.
It's just a Iot of personal stuff going on.
You know what I mean?
- Oh, I know. - Welcome, Mr AIfie.
Good to see you, EIvis. Look, I hope you don't mind me rambling on.
- Enjoy your evening, sir. - Thank you.
As you can see, the Iad's moving up in the world.
It's just that I've got this friend who's,
Iet's say, outstayed his welcome.
Absolutely right.
It's a Iot tougher getting them out than getting them in. I Iike that.
You'II never guess who I'm dropping in on now.
I wouldn't have believed it myself a couple of weeks ago.
Why don't you just try being honest,
and tell your friend that the hotel is under new management
and that they have to vacate the premises. You know what I mean.
That kimono
does wonders for your decolletage.
- Big word. - Big decolletage.
Why don't we have a drink and you can tell me the rest of your troubles.
Instead of me Iistening to hers. That's a change.
You know, for someone so very young, you're terribly wise.
Secret admirer?
One of many.
You would never think of bringing a girl flowers, would you, AIfie?
It would only encourage them.
I'm gonna make us that drink.
What's your poison, sweetheart?
I'II have a spot of whiskey, please. Midleton Rare, if you've got it.
I Iike dropping a fancy brand name in now and again,
Iet her know she ain't the only one been around.
Why not make this an absinthe afternoon?
Brilliant.
- No idea what she's talking about. - You've had absinthe?
Not recently, no. Remind me, what is it again?
The Green Fairy. The French impressionists' Iiquid drug of choice.
And I got you some of those Iittle egg thingies you Iike so much.
I mention I Iike something once, next thing I know,
I get it on a silver platter.
Perfect, huh?
Kind of pad I plan to earn myself one day.
Understated elegance with just a touch of the trendy.
She's a regular fashionista.
You don't have to tell this one which slingbacks go with which frock.
Owns her own cosmetics company.
Empire, actually.
Started out doing facials in a fancy salon.
Took a handful of mud, mixed it with a dash of papaya,
put it on the market, and bingo: AII this.
This stuff is so illegal.
I smuggled a whole batch of it back from Prague
in Listerine bottles.
Oh, I checked out your business plan.
- And? - I'm impressed.
- You seem surprised. - Not at all.
Because underneath all that bravado
beats the heart of a guy who's a Iot smarter than he thinks he is,
but not nearly as cocky as he'd Iike everybody else to believe.
What are we--? What exactly are we basing this on?
This insight into my personality?
That it takes one to know one.
What?
I was just wondering if there's a clever Iittle tattoo artist out there
who could change "Pablo" into "AIfie."
Here's to clever Iittle tattoo artists.
Jesus.
It made me feel all warm going down.
That's my job.
You know what they say.
What do they say?
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
Oh, great.
Check this out.
Have a Iook at the size of this tub.
She's had two husbands, both croaked,
and I have a feeling this was the scene of the crime.
Come on, baby, Iet's get wet.
If she keeps this up,
we're gonna be updating that tattoo of hers a Iot sooner than she thinks.
Remember how little Alfred finally got what he wanted for Christmas?
Be careful what you wish for.
There's something else.
Dozed off?
Yeah.
I tried waiting up for you.
- Your meeting ran Iate, huh? - Very. I'm knackered.
And wet.
But...
... I do want us to have a Iittle chat, Nikki.
Okay.
Sure.
Why don't we talk over a midnight snack.
I made roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.
That was your favourite as a young Iad, right?
And check the place out, if you please.
- Your Iittle girl worked her fanny off. - I noticed. It Iooks brilliant.
Really smashing.
- So, Nik-- - AIfie, I've been thinking.
Will you Iook at these cute Iittle potatoes?
Okay. I know I have been a real handful Iately.
I don't know, I think it has to do a Iot with me feeling displaced...
...and not totally trusting.
Sweetie, cutting to the chase.
I am gonna do better.
I promise.
I am gonna take my medication religiously from now on.
And everything, everything is gonna be easy and breezy.
Sound good? Honey?
So come, come and sit. A feast awaits.
I already ate, Nik.
Of course.
No worries, we'II have Ieftovers.
I can whip up a Iittle corned beef hash for brunch.
What's the matter, AIfie?
Nothing. I just...
I've got a Iot on my mind and...
-...I'm feeling a bit-- - What?
Cold? Distant? Remote? What?
Oh, Nik, this is a complete drag.
Everything happened so quickly.
- I'm not the best at this sort of thing. - What sort of thing?
I...
...don't know exactly how to say it.
Sure you do, AIfie.
You've had plenty of experience dumping girls.
Don't worry.
I'm already gone.
Strange.
But even when you know it has to end...
... when it finally does...
...you always get that inevitable twinge:
Have I done the right thing?
I must admit...
... I do miss the companionship.
Nikki was a showstopper.
But as me ugly old Aunt GIadys used to say,
"Looks aren't everything."
I used to think that was a Ioad of bollocks,
but just Iately I've been thinking...
...maybe the old bat had something.
Julie?
AIfie, hi.
What a surprise.
- God, I haven't seen you since... - Yeah.
You Iook-- You Iook amazing.
Thanks. You too. You Iook good too.
I'm getting over a cold.
- But you're okay otherwise? - I'm fine. I'm always fine.
It's good to see you.
And you.
Hey, you know, I was...
I'm sorry about what happened between us.
And I'm sorry how it all ended up. It wasn't--
It wasn't good.
I felt bad about not seeing Max and about not seeing you.
- It's water under the bridge. - Good.
You know...
...I'm wondering...
Maybe we...
You know I can never promise anything.
But if you want, if you Iike,
maybe we could see each other again.
It would be okay by me.
It would be more than okay, it would be great.
- AIfie, I-- - Yeah?
This is Adam.
Hey, how are you?
- Hey, how you doing, Adam? - Pretty good.
- Adam. - Yeah.
It was great running into you.
- You Iook fantastic. - Thanks.
What time is it? I've gotta go.
I'm Iate for a meeting. Nice to meet you, Adam.
Julie?
- How's Max? - Oh, really good.
Will you say hi?
- Sure. - Or not.
Be well.
Hello.
Mrs Wing, is everything--?
Wing.
Why are you crying?
I'm not crying. Get out.
- You sure? - I'm fine. Get out, AIfie.
I'm sorry. I just wanted to see if I could borrow a car.
She Ieave me.
Sorry?
BIossom Ieave me.
BIossom? Is that your wife's name, BIossom?
What I do wrong, AIfie? Love her?
Look, mate. Come on, you can win her back.
Woo her. Send flowers and chocolates.
Write a poem.
- That what you do? - Well, actually, no, I've never done that,
but it may be a way to go.
What rhyme with BIossom?
I would try "awesome."
Okay.
You never cease to amaze.
Hey.
Great to see you too, Lon.
I guess I should have rung. Hey, Sam.
Well, that would have been a plan.
Well, you know, I'm sorry, it was just...
It's nice.
Look, Lonette...
This is so uncomfortable, I know. Because--
You don't have to whisper. Marlon's not here.
I really miss you both.
And I just wondered, maybe...
Maybe me and you could put it all behind us,
pretend Iike it never happened, and then move forward, you know?
I just--
You know, AIfie...
...dropping by wasn't a good idea.
You two didn't have a baby.
You did have a baby.
No, you were right the first time.
Thinking back to that day at the clinic, I remember
trying to look in lon's eyes to see if I could even begin to understand
what she was going through, and how she wouldn't look at me.
And I think I knew then.
I just didn't want to admit it to myself.
So classically...
... I said nothing.
I knew there was a good chance the baby
could be Marlon's.
At Ieast, I hoped.
This is a Iot...
...for me too, Lon.
Marlon stayed.
For now.
Is there anything I can do?
What are you gonna do, AIfie?
Hey.
You know, I never...
- I never meant-- - You never mean to hurt anybody.
But you do, AIfie.
I felt I needed a friend to talk to.
Problem was, they were suddenly in short supply.
And I don't remember being in the car. I just-- I just-- I was stopped.
And I'm crying.
- Crying for the Iittle one? - I don't know exactly.
Maybe for him.
Mostly, I think, for me.
And Marlon.
I never had anybody Iook at me quite Iike that before.
And believe me, I've had some Iooks that could kill.
He stood by Lonette. I could've never, ever--
You don't know what you'II do till you really Iove someone.
Well, now what?
You gonna shoehorn yourself into the situation?
No.
You did the only thing you could do. You behaved Iike a gentleman.
I've never been accused of that before.
Don't get all choked up. You also behaved Iike a scheming,
backstabbing, so-Iow-you-can-Iook-up- a-snake's-asshole son of a bitch.
Next time, think before unzipping.
It's all right. You screwed up.
So, what are you gonna do?
Run to the bridge?
The question is...
...what's gonna happen with the rest of your Iife?
I'd be Iying if I didn't admit the events of the past few weeks
have knocked me for a bit of a Ioop.
AII right, all right, all right.
Hello, mate.
And what can we do for you this evening?
- How much are one of those? - Five-fifty.
And you'II need to put them in water immediately.
Right, I'II have that.
Second thought.
Actually, this is sort of a special thing.
- What's the occasion? - Say again?
- Proposal? - No. No, no.
Well, I do want to extend an offer to maybe have a go at it for a bit,
give us a spin, that kind of thing.
I get it. Commitment issues.
Tell me what she, or he, is Iike,
and we'II find the appropriate bloom.
Well, she is...
You know what, she's adventurous.
- Frivole. - And very sexy.
I'm thinking Dolce Vita.
A Iittle mischievous. You know, cheeky?
Avalanche, with a touch
of mio amore.
And then under it all, she's just--
She's just kind of sweet.
Liz?
- Hello? - It's me, my Iove.
Hey, I didn't expect to see you tonight. I thought you were working.
I had a cancellation, so I took the night off.
Listen, I thought we should get up early, get out of the city,
go to the country and see if we can stay
- at that B & B you're always on about. - I'd Iove to, but I can't.
I have an investors' breakfast in the morning.
- How about on the weekend? - Brilliant. Better.
AII right. I thought you may...
Oh, my God.
No. AIfie.
- Oh, what a sweet gesture. - Milady.
They're not out of some plastic bucket. I handpicked, Iike, every bud.
- I can see that. - And apparently, I have a bit of a flair
for flower arranging.
I'm impressed.
- Talk about being blown away. - Good. Mission accomplished.
I Iike surprising you.
Well, you certainly have done that.
AII right, then. Well, you're up early, so I'm off.
- I'm gonna see you tomorrow night? - Yeah.
When we speak, there's some things--
Some thing I really wanna talk to you about.
What, honey?
I'm gonna wait for the exact perfect moment, and that's all I'II say.
I'II ring you in the morning.
And, AIfie, thank you for the flowers. They made my evening.
Really?
In that case, maybe I'II stay.
I don't--
No, it's not a good idea.
There's a guy in there, isn't there?
God...
Go.
Don't do this.
What's he got?
- Better than me? - AIfie, please.
Tell me. PIease?
Really, I would Iike to know. What's he got? Tell me.
I want to know what he's got. PIease tell me.
Come on. Come on. Come on, just tell me.
Just tell me, come on.
What's he got better than me?!
He's younger than you.
"He's younger than you. "
I've gotta admit, I didn't see it coming.
She caught me off-guard, all right.
You couldn't tell, though, could you?
As you've Iearned by now, I'm rather skilled at hiding my feelings.
You see, the thing with feelings is they have
this quiet way of sneaking up on you when you Ieast expect it.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like with Liz.
Who would've thought, of all the women I've known...
...the one I Iet my guard down with delivers the knockout punch.
Ironic.
Calendar word.
Dorie.
- Hi. - Hello, AIfie.
- I haven't seen you in ages. - Maybe because you stopped calling.
I know. Things were getting a bit too--
Don't bother explaining. I'm way past needing excuses.
AII right. No, you know what? I want to explain.
What? You had your fill of me?
Someone cuter came along? I don't need to hear it, AIfie.
- Look, Dorie-- - Really.
Look, Dorie...
What happens with me is--
I don't know, I get--
When it gets too-- Not close but something Iike that,
I start to feel-- Not stifled,
not trapped, but something Iike that.
And I... And...
You know? You know what I mean?
Did that make--? Did that make any sense?
I think it has to make sense to you more than me at this point.
Yeah, fair enough.
I need to go. He'II be waiting for me.
Dorie.
I'm sorry.
Good Iuck, AIfie.
I warned them all from the beginning.
I always said something along the Iines of,
"I must advise you,
I am stamped with an invisible warning.
I will not commit. I will never marry."
Despite my best efforts, I'm beginning to feel some small cracks
in my faux finish.
You know, when I look back on my little life,
and all the women I've known...
...I can't help but think about...
... all that they've done for me...
... and how little I've done for them.
How they looked after me, cared for me...
... and I repaid them by never returning the favour.
Yeah.
I used to think I had the best end of the deal.
What have I got?
Really?
Some money in my pocket.
Some nice threads. Fancy car at my disposal.
And I'm single.
Unattached. Free as a bird.
I don't depend on nobody.
Nobody depends on me.
My Iife's my own.
But I don't have peace of mind.
And if you don't have that, you've got nothing.
So...
So, what's the answer? That's what I keep asking myself.
What's it all about?
You know what I mean?